I’m not doing well with the loneliness. Wake up on a lovely Sunday morning? Ugh. I hate Sunday mornings, and the lovelier they are, the more I hate them. Feed the kids and wipe down the kitchen by 6:30 pm on a Tuesday? There’s nothing but a long, dark night ahead of me. I’ve been too enervated to pursue hobbies, so these sunny mornings and dark nights have been such lonely times.
I’ve been filling Sunday mornings with mindless web surfing. It’s such a waste of time, but that’s the point–I’m trying to make Sunday mornings be over. For the evenings, I fear I’ve taken to the bottle, pouring a few glasses of wine to join me in my boredom. A few glasses turned into a bottle a night. By Christmas time, I could drink more than one bottle a night–nothing raucous, just sipping it, like tea. But that can’t be good.
This has probably been a natural reaction to a year of horror and I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. But it’s not a sustainable way to live. I’ve replaced a few nights of wine a week with tea. I don’t notice a difference; I was drinking that wine out of habit, and I could take it or leave it. Yoga classes start up again, so I have those to fill some of those long, dark evenings, and they send me home with some serenity. School and work start up again, so maybe I’ll appreciate lazy Sundays as a needed time to rest, or tackle a house project, or grade papers. In short, I have some healthy ways to fill the time.
I guess I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with loneliness. Grieving involves facing the grief. We’re not supposed to avoid the pain and the fear and the loss and all that. When we’re ready, we’re supposed to meet it head on and dive into it, lest we repress it. I’ve done my share of diving into all sorts of horrible memories and emotions. But what about loneliness? Am I supposed to be embracing it? Sitting with it? I’ve been avoiding it thus far with the bottle and the internet. My new plan is to forget about it by keeping myself busy and filling my time with more activities and more herbal tea. Is this more avoidance? Or is this just healthy living? After all, loneliness is a state of mind, right? If I don’t feel lonely, then I’m not lonely, right?